Is He Unfaithful? A Psychologist Explains the Hidden Signs

M.Sc. Psychologist, Doctoral Candidate

Doubts about a partner's fidelity can be tormenting. Many women ask themselves: Is my husband cheating on me? Is he having an affair? How can I recognize signs of infidelity?

An affair can deeply shake a relationship. But a suspicion is not always justified.

In this article, as a psychologist with years of experience in couples counseling, you will learn which signals can actually indicate infidelity.

Perhaps you are also asking yourself:

Is my husband behaving differently lately?
Why is he so distant and withdrawn?
Does he no longer have an interest in me and our relationship?
Is he spending a noticeable amount of time on his phone or computer?
Could there be another woman in his life?

In the following, you will learn which signs give cause for concern and when caution is advised. You will receive valuable tips on how to proceed if you have a concrete suspicion. Read on now!

Signs of a Husband's Infidelity

There are some warning signs that can indicate a partner's infidelity. These include:

Emotional and physical distance: He withdraws, shows less affection. He shares fewer desires, wishes, and work-related matters.
Changed appearance and behavior: Sudden interest in his appearance, new clothing style, unusual hobbies.
Secrecy: He hides his phone, deletes chat histories, only takes calls outside the house.
Excuses and lies: Inconsistencies accumulate, he gets entangled in contradictions and reacts defensively to questions.
Less time together: Overtime, business trips, and new leisure activities lead to seeing each other less often.

Such signs can be indications of an affair, but they don't have to be.

Sometimes there are harmless explanations such as job stress or a midlife crisis. See my Midlife Crisis Test here:

Link to the psychological self-test Midlife Crisis

It's important not to jump to conclusions, but rather to seek conversation.

How does a man behave after he has cheated?

A man who has cheated can exhibit various behaviors. He is often plagued by feelings of guilt, shame, and fear of discovery. This can manifest in him being overly attentive and courteous towards his partner, giving her disproportionately expensive gifts, or showering her with compliments. Some men also try to suppress their bad conscience by downplaying the affair, justifying themselves, or even blaming their partner.

It's also not uncommon for the cheating partner to suddenly become very irritable, inaccessible, or dismissive to avoid confrontation.

Sometimes unfaithful men retreat even more into work and hobbies to escape the tense situation at home.

As described in the section above, the behavior of an unfaithful man is often very ambivalent. On the one hand, he is tormented by pangs of conscience, and on the other hand, he fears the consequences of his actions.

If you feel like your heart is being left behind, the question is: When is too much too much? When do I move on?

Not infrequently, he projects his feelings of guilt onto his partner and reacts explosively to innocent inquiries.

A practical example from my practice:

Karin: Honey, you've been so distant lately. Is everything okay with you? Did I do something wrong?

Thomas (irritated): Don't start that again! Just because I arranged an evening with colleagues doesn't mean something's wrong. Don't you trust me anymore? Your questioning is driving me crazy!"

"Your questioning is driving me crazy!"

Karin: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just...

Thomas (interrupting her): Oh, whatever, forget it. I don't want to talk about it with you.

Karin (turning to me): You see, Mr. Pförtner? That's exactly what I mean. He blocks every conversation and immediately gets irritable. I just don't know how to reach him anymore.

Me: I can understand that you feel helpless, Karin. Let's pause for a moment and reflect on what just happened here. Thomas, can you explain what you felt at that moment?

Thomas (sighs): I felt cornered. It's as if I constantly have to justify myself just because I want to spend an evening without Karin.

Me: Thank you for your openness, Thomas. Karin, what goes through your mind when you hear that Thomas feels cornered?

Karin: I... I don't want to corner him at all. I'm just afraid of losing him. When he acts so distant, I feel insecure and neglected.

Me: It seems there's a misunderstanding in communication here. Thomas, you want to preserve your freedom and independence, while Karin seeks security and closeness. Both needs are completely normal and understandable.

Thomas (thoughtfully): I had no idea that Karin felt so insecure. I thought she wanted to control me.

Me: That's an important point, Thomas. We often misinterpret our partner's actions because we project our own fears and experiences onto them. Let's work together on how you both can express your needs without pressuring the other or feeling pressured.

Karin: I would really like to learn that. I don't want to restrict Thomas, but I also need to feel that our relationship is important to him.

Me: That's an excellent starting point. In the next sessions, we will work on communication techniques that will help both of you express your feelings and needs clearly, without attacking the other or having to defend yourselves. For example, we could practice "I-messages."

Thomas: And what are these "I-messages"?

Me: These are statements that focus on your own feelings and experiences, rather than making accusations. For example, instead of saying "You are so distant," Karin could say: "I feel insecure when we spend less time together." This opens the door for a conversation, instead of provoking a defensive reaction.

Karin: That sounds helpful. I would like to try that.

Me: Very good. Let's agree on a small exercise for next week. Every time you feel the urge to accuse the other, try to rephrase it into an "I-message." Make a note of these situations, and we will discuss them in the next session.

Thomas: Okay, I'm in. Maybe that will help us understand each other better.

Me: That's exactly the goal. Always remember: you both want the best for your relationship. With the right tools, you can learn to support each other instead of working against each other.

Do you recognize the feeling Karin describes? Then feel free to visit my online couples counseling. Book your appointment now:

In this dialogue, we see how misunderstandings in communication can lead to tensions in a relationship.

As a psychologist and couples therapist, it is my task to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings and needs without feeling attacked.

Through targeted questions and techniques like "I-messages," we can work together on improved communication, which ultimately leads to a stronger and healthier relationship.

Dealing with Suspicion

If several signs strengthen the suspicion of infidelity, usually only a clarifying conversation helps. But be careful: Unfounded accusations can heavily strain a relationship.

Proceed carefully:

Wait for a favorable moment when both of you have time and a clear head. Avoid discussions when you are agitated.
Describe, based on concrete observations, why you became suspicious. Focus on your feelings, do not make accusations.
Listen attentively and with an open mind when your partner explains himself. Perhaps there are harmless reasons for his behavior.
Try together to find out what might not be going well in your relationship. An affair often has deeper causes.
Clearly express your needs and desires. What do you need to feel secure and valued again?

Be prepared for various reactions. If your partner denies everything, it can be both a good and a bad sign.

"If he confesses to the affair, it is painful, but it forms the basis for further steps."

Now here's an exercise that I like to give as homework to my clients.

The goal is to collect potential signs of infidelity and examine their significance. This will provide you with clarity on whether your suspicion is justified or not.

Instructions:

Note down all changes and occurrences that have aroused your suspicion of infidelity. Describe the situation as precisely as possible: What exactly happened? When and how often? First, focus only on facts, not your interpretation.
Then evaluate each observation individually: Is there also a harmless explanation for it? How conclusive do you find this explanation? Rate the significance of each "piece of evidence" on a scale from 1 (insignificant) to 10 (very suspicious) ein.
Now consider all the clues in their entirety. Are there many "coincidences" accumulating? Can a pattern be recognized, a development over time? Do the explanations presented make sense to you in sum?
Listen within yourself: What does your gut feeling tell you? Intuition often sends us subtle alarm signals before we consciously notice signs. Trust your inner voice, but examine critically.

Evaluation: The more clear and serious the evidence gathered, the more urgent a clarifying conversation becomes. But don't judge too quickly. Strange behavior does not always automatically mean infidelity.

Remain open and cautious with accusations. In case of doubt, the presumption of innocence applies.

Would you like to prepare for a clarifying conversation? Then feel free to visit my online couples counseling.

Book your appointment now:

Preparing for a Clarifying Conversation

A suspicion can ultimately only be resolved through dialogue. Prepare carefully for this difficult conversation:

Collect and sort your observations, choose the most conclusive points. So feel free to base your conversation on the exercise above.
Be clear about the goal you are pursuing with the conversation. Do you want to know the truth? End the affair? Work on the relationship?
Consider what confessing an affair would mean to you. Could you forgive? What conditions would need to be met?
Be prepared for your partner to deny the accusations, perhaps even reacting with indignation or counter-accusations. Don't let this rattle you.
Plan enough time and a suitable place for the conversation. A familiar, quiet environment makes it easier to speak openly.
Be aware: Such a conversation is only the beginning. It takes time to process an infidelity, rebuild trust, and realign the relationship.

An interested, but neutral listener can also be helpful. Seek advice from a couples therapist. In many cases, couples counseling is recommended to find the right words and a constructive way to interact with each other.